Humor

These are on the old Archive site but are too good to leave there!

You might be from Metamor if:

The First Batch

… your parents bought you all loose, gender-neutral clothing for your fourteenth birthday. (RB)
… where you come from, the declaration "I could eat a horse!" is treated like an assassination threat. (RB)
… you have ever waited for a prophecy before ordering lunch. (RB)
… you and your sister have different mothers, yet your parents have never been married before or been unfaithful. (RB)
… your mom gets carded whenever she goes to the bar. (RB)
… you instinctively call for a doctor whenever you smell burning latex. (RB)
… you have personally seen pigs fly. (RB)
… your local authors' club could beat up half the jocks in a hundred-mile radius … at once. (RB)
… your best friend slaughtered a dozen evil dwarf-type things before breakfast. (RB)
… your priest walks around everywhere wearing only a white robe and hood … and people take him seriously. (RB)
… you have ever seen someone sacrifice a goat. (RB)
… you watch the Fourth of July fireworks and wonder why there aren't any altars. (RB)
… you get nervous when, in a given year, you don't see fire from heaven. (RB)
… your son reports that there is a monster under his bed and you call for the city guard. (RB)
… your mom is always on your dad's back, and he doesn't particularly mind. (RB)
… your family plows forty acres of land every year … and you don't use any machines or livestock. (RB)
… you have personally witnessed the aftermath of an entire battalion of soldiers with PMS. (RB)
… your mom's knitting club saved an entire village from raiders … twice. (RB)
… you haven't worn shoes once in the last five years. (RB)
… when a map says "HERE THERE BE DRAGONS" you take it literally. (RB)
… your drill sergeant wears a necklace made out of ears. (RB)
… your mother has fewer candles on her birthday cake this year than she did five years ago … and nobody questions it. (RB)
… you have ever swatted spiders with a mace … and then decided you needed something heavier. (RB)
… you know what a trebuchet is, and how to use it. (RB)
… you can describe the smell of roast lutin. (RB)
… you have seen a mouse curtsy to a mule. (RB)
… your bartender can't even drink beer outside your hometown. (RB)
… somebody complains that his shadow is out to kill him … and you don't write him off as a lunatic. (RB)
… your priest's idea of "traveling mercies" is a cross around your neck and a silver dagger. (RB)
… being an atheist is considered a non-survival trait where you come from. (RB)
… your platoon's chaplain has more kills than you do. (RB)
… your idea of "long-range fire" is a mage with a spellbook. (RB)
… your application to the air force was rejected because your wings weren't big enough. (RB)
… the royals in your homeland have long jaws and big teeth … but not because of inbreeding. (RB)
… you can call your drill sergeant an ass without being accused of insubordination. (RB)
… you have seen someone brought up on murder charges for cutting down a tree. (RB)
… your biggest fear is that an all-powerful evil wizard will take over the world, and nobody thinks you're paranoid. (RB)


…nobody considers chewing on your pen or pencil to be a bad habit. (DE)
…you've had trouble figuring out how to use chamber pots. (This is valid, and yes, this is an example of the usual channels my mind goes through. The gutter.) (DE)
…in your last letter home, you wrote less about the hair growing on your face than you did about the hair growing on the rest of your body. (DE)
…'getting some tail' has acquired a whole new, painful meaning for you. (DE)


…You and your wife talk about your ex's and discover that they're the same person. (OO)
…Your guard dog is also your apprentice. (OO)
…You've ever made a racial slur about people with green skin. (OO)
…You used to believe that wrinkles were where a smile used to be, and now it's the other way around. (OO)
…You've ever attended a diplomatic function wearing nothing below the waist. (OO)
…In one day you build a tower, kill twenty little monsters, entertain a visiting dignitary, heal the sick, bake a dozen loaves of bread and repair an automaton, then go to bed feeling like you haven't accomplished much. (OO)
…Your husband is understanding about pregnancy because he's been through it. (OO)
…When people ask about the "date of your birth", it's because Nasoj turned your offspring into a palm tree. (OO)
…You actually believe Whales is named after the population. (OO)
…You have additional armor for your tail. (OO)
…When a teacher calls his student "grasshopper", there's a reason for it. (OO)


…the village healer says that you're anemic, and she cures you by hunting down the vampire that's been feeding on you. (CMB)
… your entire family visits the village veterinarian. (CMB)
… buying a new pair of shoes requires a visit to the local blacksmith. (CMB)
… the midnight howling of a tomcat outside your sister's window just means that her date has arrived. (CMB)
… you can scratch an ear itch with either your hands or feet. (CMB)
… you can walk out of the cow barn with a smile on your face and no one asks why. (CMB)


…you and your significant other bring new meaning to the phrase "Predator/Prey Relationships". (JVC)
…you know what a "Sondeckis" is. (JVC)
…your home attracts more wanderers/travelers per week than any other place on the planet. (JVC)
…you appease nobles by giving them apples. (JVC)
…you know what "variable geometry" is. (JVC)
…you can live with "variable geometry." (JVC)
…you can think of items for a "You Might Be From Metamor Keep If…" list. (Sorry, had to throw in this standard item…) (JVC)
…people talk about your family "pedigree", and you're not in a noble family. (JVC)
…you see many interesting colors around everyday objects, and you're not taking any hallucinogenic drugs. (JVC)
…you don't laugh when people talk about "turning lead into gold." (JVC)
…you've ever used "Animal instincts temporarily took over" as an excuse for missing class… (JVC)
…and your teacher buys it. (JVC)
…you can make a map of your home in excruciating detail, down to the millimeter, and it'll be instantly obsolete. (JVC)
…you DON'T think the "Deaf Mule" is a blatant copy of another famous tavern. :) (JVC)
…you've ever met a demigod. (JVC)
…you're good friends with a demigod. (JVC)
…you ARE a demigod. (JVC)
…everyone famous at your home has some kind of "secret past" that they don't want to talk about but will be revealed in due time, most likely through an amazing and odds-defying adventure. (JVC)


… you hear a comment about the 'dogs of war' and wonder what your drinking buddies are up to this week. (JD)
… your parents can wear your hand-me-down clothes. (JD)


… you really are attached to your fur coat. (W)
… when you say one of your friends is prickly, it has nothing to do with their disposition. (W)
… your local writers' group uses chewing sticks to relax. (W)
… you no longer have to "turn your head and cough". (W)
… you see a stranger in the mirror, and it has nothing to do with age or country songs. (W)
… your baby clothes are blue, but you're a girl … now … (W)
… when someone yells, "Down, boy!", you wonder if they're making jokes about you. (W)
… when someone yells, "Down, boy!", they are making jokes about you. (W)
… the word, "heel", can be taken either as an instruction or an insult … depending on your training … (W)
… you've lost both your thumbs, and it had nothing to do with sharp objects. (W)
… the only vegetable you eat is a handful of grass … as a stomach remedy. (W)
… you're a vegetarian, but only eat the tops of carrots. (W)
… you've ever taken offense at the phrase, "I smell a rat". (W)
… being called a "fox" has nothing to do with being good-looking (some foxes might want to phrase that differently;). (W)
… when you say your teacher is a real bear, you don't just mean in the mornings. (W)
… when you say the local musician is a wolf, you don't mean he's a skirt-chaser. (W)
… your first reaction, on finding a strange animal inside, is, "Halt! Identify yourself!". (W)
… and you get an answer! :) (W)
… you have a hole in the seat of your trousers that has nothing to do with wear and tear … and you're glad of it. (W)
… you lift your leg to relieve yourself. (W)
… you've ever had your tail caught by a door. (W)
… the phrase, "He's turning into a real pig", has nothing to do with eating habits. (W)


… Someone asks you if you were raised in a barn, and it's not just a rhetorical question. (PG)
… You often buy shoes under the "Buy Three, Get One Free" plan. (PG)
… People say your outfit is tacky, and it's not a put-down. (PG)
… You ask for a back rub to help with your saddle-soreness. (PG)
… You would NEVER consider complaining about "Fish for dinner, AGAIN?" (PG)
… The kids in your school system seem to study more intently than usual in their sex ed and biology classes. (PG)
… No one in your home town can give you a precise definition of what exactly "homosexual" means any more. (PG)
… Mixed League team sports take on whole new dimensions, and said games can get really, really, REALLY interesting. (PG)
… LOTS of kids are given androgynous names at birth. (PG)
… Blue or pink as decor for nurseries is considered inappropriate. (PG)
… No one watches "Francis the Talking Mule" movies, as they are too mundane. (PG)
… You never, EVER swat a fly without asking it to identify itself first. (PG)
… if you've been through your second childhood.. and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth….(JW)
… you find that your family pet is your long lost brother. (AM)


The Second Batch

… Your closest relative requires winding. (OO)
… You've ever had to pound a pawprint out of your armor. (OO)
… You've ever owned a pair of spectacles before they were invented. (OO)
… The woman who tried to kill your brother is now your drinking buddy. (OO)
… You've ever discussed how snowstorms affect smell. (OO)
… You met a talking beaver and claimed copyright infringement. (OO)
… Your lover deliberately maims you but you chalk it up to instinct. (OO)
… You've ever gotten out of bed and opened the door, wondering where it led this morning. (OO)
… You're jealsous because you spent months building your church's sanctuary, and the Followers get theirs overnight. (OO)
… You've ever been turned away from a party because your teeth were too short. (OO)
… You spend an eternity putting on muscle and suddenly turn into a little girl. (OO)
… You fear the little boy with the spellbook more than the rhino with the mace. (OO)
… You worry about your friend's self esteem because he's too human. (OO)
… You've ever accidentally eaten someone. (OO)
… You spend two hours each morning grooming below your neckline… (R)
… You either A) cannot fit into a garderobe or B) are afraid you might fall in! (R)
… Your father looks younger than you are. (R)
… Your mentor has a bad habit of saying 'Good Dog!' and handing you rock-hard biscuits… (R)
… You encounter a pack of wolves and don't know whether to shoot or order them to identify themselves. (R)
… you've been featured more than once in a story that has been declared non-canonical… (T)
… getting a new winter coat does not entail shopping. (MPS)
… you have a really easy homework assignment… bring back the ears of a Lutin by sunset tommorrow. (MPS)
… blood transfusions will never be invented in your country because of the huge difficulties with type matches. (MPS)


Latest batch (2007)

… the guy down the hall protects his apartment with lethal trap spells. (Virmir)

… the local religious authority is rarely in because she always gets called to travel across the country and slay servants of evil. (Virmir)

… NO ONE remembers the hyacinth in the garden. (Virmir)

… you are overjoyed to find out that your children will be the same species as you. (Virmir)

… you know a handful of people that are key components of ancient prophecies. (Virmir)

… you call your home 'your little hole in the ground', and you aren't kidding. (CM)

… your father, brother, and sister, started out as your mother, father and brother respectively! (CM)

… you've ever complained your master rides you too hard, and you meant that literally. (CM)


And a few more (2008)

… You only have to worry about birth control 2 weeks out of the year. (R)

… You have to stop half way through a contribution to ask your dog how to spell his name. (R)

… Perfumers come to you for skunk-oil.

… Editors complain about page-edges being nibbled on, and you don't have any pests in the house. (R)

… You don't have any pests in the house… anymore. (R)

… The household pests make ribald jokes about your characters. (R)

… A Cockroach chases you out of the room and blows the candle out. (R)

… No one complains about fur in their soup. (R)

… You need to carry around specialized containers to both eat and drink. (R)

No one asks if you're old enough for an ale, because you're a little boy with a spellbook. (R)

… You have a nervous breakdown during shearing season, and you're not a shepherd. (R)

… The Writers' Guild and the Keep Scribes are all trying to bring you into their societies. Probably because your wings have such fine quality quills, not because of your writing skill (or lack thereof). (R)

… When befriending someone with weird eyes you wonder where's his lair. (KK)

… You promptly ask where's his lair. (KK)

… When you're told that you're a pest you take it literally. (KK)

… You always volunteer for the late shifts. (KK)

… And complain when you get the really early shifts. (KK)

… The little green men aren't from another planet. (KT)
… When someone asks you for directions you say down the hall on the left, no matter what they asked for. (KT)
… Going down the hall and looking on your left will actually gets you where you're going. (KT)
… Your apartment doesn't NEED to be protected against thieves because they can't find where you live. (KT)
… YOU can't find where you live because your room moved somewhere else. (KT)
… When you hear a voice coming out of nowhere it's probably because the speaker is really short. (KT)
… You are cursed with endless bad hair days because no one invented soap for fur. (KT)
… Calling someone a chauvinist pig, a foxy lady, a fat cow, etc. is considered a racial slur. (KT)
… Your home is advertised as a good place for retirement due to its 'occasional youthening effects'. (KT)
… The rooster crows at dawn and you make a call on your neighbor to complain about their rowdy kids. (KT)
… Your daughter is the best ratter around and it saves you a ton of money on feeding her.
… You're scared of the girl down the street who you have a crush on because you're scared she'll accidentally eat you. (KT)
… You know a kangaroo better at telling the future than all of the fortune tellers around put together. (KT)
… You can't make it to ten by counting your fingers. (KT)
… You're not let into the army unless the average human would consider you a mutated freak. (KT)
… Half the people named David you know are girls. (KT)
… You can spot an outsider a mile away because they have wrinkles, but no fur and don't crossdress. (KT)
… You drink your milk out of a saucer. (DP)
… Your idea of playing ball is catching it and handing it to the other person. (DP)
… Alternately, your idea of playing ball is with a ball of yarn. (DP)
… The bait from the mouse traps mysteriously go missing. (DP)
… The phrase "Your mother was a hamster" is actually an observation instead of an insult. (DP)
… When you get slapped around with giant trout, you ask the trout to identify themselves. (DP)
… Your ceiling has "Trails" from your horns. (DP)
… Your ceilings have numerous patches from your horns. (DP)
… You forgot what it was like to stub your toe. (DP)
… The matron at the Orphanage is younger than half her charges. (DP)
… You play Tug-of-war with your mouth just as well as you do with your hands. (DP)
… You can wake up with your face buried in the fluff of your tail. (DP)

Contributers:
RB - Raven Blackmane
DE - Devon Erthshade
OO - Oren the Otter
CMB - Charles M. Bonanno
JVC - JVC
JD - Jeremy DuCharme
W - Wanderer
PG - Phil Guesz
JW - John Walker II
AM - Some Anonymous Mammal
R - Ryx
T - Taliana
MPS - Michael Peter Scott
CM - Charles Matthias
KK - Kampkraft
KT - Kit
DP - Digitalpotato

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